Detoxing Your Toxic Relationships

I'm sure most of us have been in a toxic relationship or know someone who has been in a toxic relationship.  Why do people remain in them when they know they are bad and unhealthy?   What is it about toxic relationships that can be quite alluring?  Maybe it's our innate nature to want to change bad things into good or maybe we just don't know we are in a toxic relationship because we don't know what a positive relationship looks like.  

As part of my life coaching venture, I'm not here to find out the reasons behind toxic relationships.  They exist and I'm here to tell you that you can move past them.  

How do you begin to detox from a toxic relationship?  Let's look at the signs of a toxic relationship.  There are a lot more signs of a toxic relationship but I'm going to give you the ones I feel are the most prevalent. 

SIDE NOTE*** I'm not going to use relationships as a romantic term.  Relationships can come in many forms.  It can be between two friends, family members or even between an employer and employee.  The type of relationship you are in isn't important; it's recognizing you're in a toxic relationship that matters. 

1) You give and the person always takes.  A relationship is a balancing act of both giving and taking.  You should never feel as if you always give all your energy and they never give anything in return or even acknowledge you.  

2) Feeling drained.  This goes back to giving in a relationship.  You should not feel that you have given so much that you are emotionally exhausted.  

3) Lack of trust.  This is probably the backbone of any relationship.  Even a hint of distrust can be the start of a toxic relationship. 

4) Constant judgement.  Judgement is a form of criticism and not helpful in any way.  Criticism can then turn into belittling.  Judgement only serves assert control and to build the other person's ego to make you feel small in the relationship. 

5)  Unreliability.  Another form of trust.  It's important to know that the other person will be there for you when you truly need it. 

6) Hostility.  Anger in a relationship can lead to a sense of fear, vulnerability and a feeling of being unsafe.  

7) Lack of self-worth.  You should never feel as if you aren't worth anything in a relationship.  You have value and you should always feel that way.  And when you don't see it, they should be able to see it for you. 

8) You are always unhappy.  If something makes you unhappy then it means it's time to let it go. You owe it to yourself.   

If you have felt any of these feelings in a relationship then it's probably time to let it go.  Letting something go that's been an integral part of your life is not going to be easy.  All it takes is the acknowledgement and acceptance that you need to move on.  Here is an exercise to start the detoxing process. 

1) Make a list of approximately 20 people in your life that you spend most of your time with.  

2)  Now separate that list into those that you look forward to spending time with (column 1) and those that cause you anxiety and stress when you are with them or even when after you are with them you feel less of a person (column 2). 

3) Looking at the names in column 2, rank them in order of how much of a negative effect they have in your life, with the top name having the most negative effect. 

You should now have two columns of individuals.  One column should be those that bring out the best of you and inspire and encourage you to become a better person.  The other column should be a list of those that make you unhappy and you lose your sense of worth and value.  How many people on this list are not a surprise to you?  For some people there might be no surprise at all.  

4) Look at the list and take action!  What are you going to do to end the toxic relationship? 

Although we already know who would be on our lists, writing it down only solidifies what we already know and will motivate us to make the change we need. 

It may not be easy to break the cycle of toxic relationships but recognizing you are in one is the first step in breaking free of it.  And don't forget that you have the support of all those people in column one! 

 

Ryan the Life Coach

 The journey to becoming a life coach hasn't been an easy one.  But the most important thing is that I'm here and I'm ready to take this on. 

Just a few months ago I wrote two posts and it all ended up here.   I was figuring out what I needed to do with my life and not wanting to sit on the sidelines anymore.  

I have always enjoyed working in counseling and therapy.  But the key word that is missing is that I didn't "love" it.  I always felt (and I still do) that you have to love what you do in order to truly be happy.  I enjoyed working with people.  I enjoyed helping them with their lives, but I didn't love it.  This sent me through a conundrum of what to do with my life.  I thought I was supposed to be helping people.  I enjoy helping people.  I actually LOVE helping people, although I didn't love being a therapist and counselor.  This led me to a conversation I had with a previous supervisor and the idea of me being a life therapist was a very viable career option.  Life coach.  Hmmm.  It was a very good idea.  I began doing research on this career.  The biggest qualification was life, and I definitely think I had the right qualifications for that.  That coupled with my background in higher education and counseling psychology, I knew that this was where I needed to be at this point in my life.  So I laid the groundwork to get my life coaching practice off the ground and I ended up here.  Ryan the Life Coach.  I get to work with people in a way that is so different than the work I do as a counselor/therapist.  This is where I am most happy.  

There's still a long ways to go from here.  I knew there was going to be work to be done.  This was not something that was going goin to be easy.  It was going to be a challenge.  But you know what?  I love doing what I do.  And that's why I am ready to take on that challenge.  

I hope you take the time and visit my website:  www.coachwithryan.com.   I go into detail the differences between counseling and life coaching.  

I hope that this blog can now be a reflection on that journey.  And that I can help and inspire those that need it.  

Sitting on the Sidelines

Every day is a journey.  Every day is one more day in a life that you have the honor to live and to be a part of.  You can choose to be a part of that life or you can choose to watch life go by.  One is preferred over the other but only you can choose which role you want to take.  And whichever role you take, only you can turn that into a success.  

We are told that we have to live a life.  We are told that we can't just sit there and watch as life goes by.  If we only do that than we are told that we are wasting life.  So let me make the case for taking a passive role in life.  Let me tell you why sitting on the sidelines can help you with your journey. 

I have been sitting on the sidelines for most of my life.  I have been conditioned to believe that this is wrong.  Many teachers, role models and mentors have told me that I need to get out there and experience life.  I need to be a part of it and if I were to do that that it would bring me happiness and joy.  And they were right.  When I chose to take an active role in my life I was happy.  But what I didn't accept was that watching life go by helped to strengthen me. 

As I sat there and watched life go by, I was doing more than just sitting there and watching.  I was looking at life.  I was observing it.  I was looking at all the possibilities that life had to offer me.  I was analyzing and discovering what was best for me.  I wasn't necessarily afraid of failure, but more that I was putting myself in a position that was never meant for me.  Just because I can do something doesn't mean I have to do it.  It's really all in your perception and how you want to experience and live.    

Observing life was my first step towards independence and my first step towards becoming the person I am today. 

Another Journey Begins

It doesn’t seem quite real that my journey would start right now.  I always thought my journey began when I graduated from high school and started college.  And then I thought the even difficult journey would begin after that!  High school prepared you for college and college prepared you for the real world.  Isn’t that what we were always taught?  And that’s when I always felt reality would start for me, when adulting would finally take over.  And for several years it did.  When I graduated from high school I was excited to leave that world behind and reinvent myself in college.  I could start over with new friends, a new identity and a new personality.   College prepared me for the life I thought I wanted and so I decided to go to graduate school and get a Masters in College Student Affairs.  I found my calling.  After I completed my studies, I finally began my career as a Student Affairs Professional.  I was finally doing something I loved and had a passion for.  But I soon realized during the next few years that that passion would start to wane.  I would start to have disillusionment.  In fact, one might say I was starting to lose my passion, love and excitement for Student Affairs.  After nearly 7 years, I was let go from my job.  It was a huge blow to my ego.  It also had me rethink everything that I had done over the past few years.  I would start to go on job interviews to little success and each failure to get hired or score an interview led me to believe I was a failure.  I questioned my journey.  I spent the next few months doing something I never did before and that was take care of myself.  I learned to be happy and focus on me for a change.  I went back to school and got a second Masters degree, this time in Counseling Psychology, Marriage and Family Therapy.  One of the greatest joys I got out of being a Student Affairs Professional was the one on one conversations I had with students.  I loved seeing them as incoming freshman and helping with their growth into becoming adults in the four years they were in college.  The talks and conversations were wonderful and I realized that was something I wanted to do for the next portion of my journey.  This time I would engage in conversations  with a larger population and work with children, adolescents and even couples and families.  After I graduated I began the journey to become a Marriage and Family Therapist.  I worked with children and adolescents, college students and couples.  I was happy, or so I thought.  As the years went buy, that disillusionment once again started to sink in.  After I graduated I went on more interviews to work with agencies and groups.  I sat in those interviews not really feeling happy to get the job.  It felt like I only wanted the job so I can work instead of wanting the job because it would make me also happy and satisfied with life.  Maybe that’s why I failed at the job search.  I ended up taking a job working at same University that let me go but this time as the campus Associate Marriage and Family Therapist.

Before I continue on, let me take a moment to talk about the parallel journey I began to take.

When I started college, I had a desire to be an actor.  I wanted to do musical theater.  I was never really encouraged by my family to do it (but I wasn’t necessarily discouraged either).  They supported my performances in high school and even supported my first big musical I got cast in my freshman year.  I went from ensemble to finally have lines in a show!  Somehow I once again got disillusioned by theater (that happens quite a lot to me if you haven’t figure that out) and stopped performing.  It wasn’t until 15 years later when I auditioned for a community theater production of Into the Woods that finally got me into performing once again.  I started doing more productions around San Diego and I even began directing musicals for youth theater productions and began acting classes for children and adolescents.  I thought my passion for theater had been reignited and I was happy.  I was doing theater and doing counseling therapy.

As you can see, my life was full of lots of peaks and valleys.  But how does this all lead to this blog?
You guessed it, disillusionment once again sank in.  I enjoyed theater and I enjoyed counseling but it never truly made me fully happy.  Was this something that I could do for the rest of my life and never feel like I would get tired of it, or that it would bring down my spirits.  We all go through these phases in our life and I felt this was just another one of those phases.  The problem is that I’ve had so many of these phases the past several years.  I was starting a new journey in life only to stop and start all over again.  It was a dizzying part of my life that I didn’t want anymore.  I had to once again take a look at my life.  I needed to take a step back and refocus and really take the time to look at what was missing and what was needed.  The answer to that had always been in my face all these years, I just always used it as an excuse rather than a force to create positive change in my life.

I am independent.

This led me to realize that I needed to be independent in my career and my passions.  I love doing theater but I always was happier when I was directing shows and teaching students.  When it came to my work as a student affairs professional and counselor, I was always independent and felt more invigorated in my work when I was able to work on my own.  To be perfectly clear, I am and have always been a team player.  I enjoy working on teams.  I enjoy having employees and colleagues.  I enjoy being in an ensemble of several people.  I will never turn down the opportunity to be a part of a team or a group.  But when I looked at myself I realized that in order for me to succeed, in order for me to be truly happy, I had to do what was best for me.  I had to once again begin a new journey.