As part of my life coaching venture, I'm not here to find out the reasons behind toxic relationships. They exist and I'm here to tell you that you can move past them.
How do you begin to detox from a toxic relationship? Let's look at the signs of a toxic relationship. There are a lot more signs of a toxic relationship but I'm going to give you the ones I feel are the most prevalent.
SIDE NOTE*** I'm not going to use relationships as a romantic term. Relationships can come in many forms. It can be between two friends, family members or even between an employer and employee. The type of relationship you are in isn't important; it's recognizing you're in a toxic relationship that matters.
1) You give and the person always takes. A relationship is a balancing act of both giving and taking. You should never feel as if you always give all your energy and they never give anything in return or even acknowledge you.
2) Feeling drained. This goes back to giving in a relationship. You should not feel that you have given so much that you are emotionally exhausted.
3) Lack of trust. This is probably the backbone of any relationship. Even a hint of distrust can be the start of a toxic relationship.
4) Constant judgement. Judgement is a form of criticism and not helpful in any way. Criticism can then turn into belittling. Judgement only serves assert control and to build the other person's ego to make you feel small in the relationship.
5) Unreliability. Another form of trust. It's important to know that the other person will be there for you when you truly need it.
6) Hostility. Anger in a relationship can lead to a sense of fear, vulnerability and a feeling of being unsafe.
7) Lack of self-worth. You should never feel as if you aren't worth anything in a relationship. You have value and you should always feel that way. And when you don't see it, they should be able to see it for you.
8) You are always unhappy. If something makes you unhappy then it means it's time to let it go. You owe it to yourself.
If you have felt any of these feelings in a relationship then it's probably time to let it go. Letting something go that's been an integral part of your life is not going to be easy. All it takes is the acknowledgement and acceptance that you need to move on. Here is an exercise to start the detoxing process.
1) Make a list of approximately 20 people in your life that you spend most of your time with.
2) Now separate that list into those that you look forward to spending time with (column 1) and those that cause you anxiety and stress when you are with them or even when after you are with them you feel less of a person (column 2).
3) Looking at the names in column 2, rank them in order of how much of a negative effect they have in your life, with the top name having the most negative effect.
You should now have two columns of individuals. One column should be those that bring out the best of you and inspire and encourage you to become a better person. The other column should be a list of those that make you unhappy and you lose your sense of worth and value. How many people on this list are not a surprise to you? For some people there might be no surprise at all.
4) Look at the list and take action! What are you going to do to end the toxic relationship?
Although we already know who would be on our lists, writing it down only solidifies what we already know and will motivate us to make the change we need.
It may not be easy to break the cycle of toxic relationships but recognizing you are in one is the first step in breaking free of it. And don't forget that you have the support of all those people in column one!
